TheBanyanTree: Borderland - Changes

[Monique]

Major changes underway. Time for reevaluation, reestablishment, realization,
real time editing of long-term life solutions.

Even though I am reminded on a continuing basis that there is no long term,
there is only here and now, and that we can only hope for the best. Still,
what else can we do BUT hope for the best? Give in? No way. Not that the
thought hasn't occurred to me. On more than one occasion perhaps. But there
can't be any of that. 

I took an IQ test yesterday online. Decidedly unscientific, lacking all
merit as a tool to determine anything of value, but it left me feeling
somewhat hopeful. I am not, as some have suspected over the years, a
complete knucklehead. Well, I am, socially and often verbally, and
definitely spatially, and let's face it: higher mathematics is never going
to be something I'm good at, no matter how hard I try. Still, I'm not a
complete idiot.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. 

I admire complete idiots much more than I admire, say, incomplete idiots. At
least they have the initiative to finish what they started. 

Unlike me. I rarely finish what I start. Okay, sometimes I do. Sometimes I
don't. 

There are several important occasions coming up here. January 31st is the
day Stew and I celebrate our non-anniversary. In celebration of our
non-anniversary, we're taking his dad to dinner. His dad will be arriving on
Monday, Tuesday we'll be packing Stew's storage unit with Stew's belongings,
and on Wednesday Stew and his dad will head south, where Stew will take up
residence for now. Andrew will be working Monday night and does not want any
part of this celebration. But he is happy to help move Stew's things into
storage with us. 

On February 22nd, Andrew and I celebrate one year since the day we met. One
year. Then, of course, there's Valentine's Day. I have managed to obtain a
mystery shop at a restaurant for the day after Valentine's Day, so we can go
to dinner at a more upscale restaurant than my usual mystery shops (I'm
working my way up) and then be reimbursed for the cost of the meal plus a
bit extra for my "trouble." Hey, I'm happy people are willing to pay me to
eat out. 

In June Andrew moves in. With me. It's part of the long term plan. 

Okay, he officially moves in then. The difference then being, we'll have to
get a different place to live once he's not storing all his stuff elsewhere,
like he is now, at a place that is supposedly his residence but where he
hasn't bothered to do any of the usual moving in things yet. Like set up his
bed. 

I am at a loss these days. What happens when I'm not a caretaker anymore?
Caretaker withdrawal. It's got me all flummoxed. Or the equivalent. What do
I DO with myself? 

I've mentioned to a couple members of my family that I'm discarding the
caretaker role, one which they've never approved of anyway, and that I might
be getting down to see them this summer, with any luck.

Neither of the ones I have mentioned it to have responded in any way
whatsoever. I am not feeling much love from the bosom of my family. I am
feeling bereft. Left out in the cold. Forgotten. But it's not me -- they
don't pay any attention to each other either. It's easy to forget that, when
they're down THERE and I'm up HERE. And they occasionally speak to one
another. 

What happens when my role changes? Am I going to be of any use to anyone,
and if not, then what good am I? Merely decorative? I'm afraid I'm not
decorative enough to be merely decorative. 

It's the end of January, and there are big changes underway. And I'm not
sure what to do with them all, what to do with all that's here waiting to
have something done with it, but there it is. Stay balanced, keep the stress
under control, don't flip out until it absolutely can't be helped. Get Stew
packed and on the road. Then deal with life. I feel like I'm starting all
over again, and I don't know which way I'll go. I guess the way to go is
just move forward one step at a time. I'm not alone. I've been assured I'm
not alone. I need a lot of reassurance these days. It's the withdrawal, I'm
sure. Withdrawal is always icky, even when it's for everyone's own good.
It's still change. 

And I'm still not sure what to do with it.

Monique