TheBanyanTree: Keeping up Appearances

[Woofie]

 One of the greatest challenges in life is ter successfully give the
 impression that you ascribes to some degree of normalcy. When folks
 visit yer house yer tries ter give the impression that the furiously
 scrubbbed floors and benchtops are the norm. You jes hope you doan
 have ter open a cupboard in their presence and thus illustrate the
 true state of affairs.

 If yer home happens ter be the Woofden, then there are even more
 challenges than trying ter pretend yer is lil Miz Suzy Homemaker...

 There is the inmates...they is all freakin loony and no
 amount of winder dressing will disguise that fact. First of all there
 is the Spouse, who spends all his spare time digging holes inna
 backyard and fillin em up again. I think some army shrink must have
 tole him that digging holes would be therapeutic and would help to
 repress his insane urges. Thankfully the neighbours now pretend not
 ter notice his lil activities.

 Then there is Spinifex Blossom. Spinifex Blossom lives with us when
 she is not scrabbling around up north in the Great Sandy Desert..I
 doan know why they call it a desert cuz it allus seems ter be
 completely unnerwater from major flooding. Besides collecting books
 and bits of furniture, Spinifex Blossom collects booze:

 "You can never have too much booze," is her mantra wot she chants
 every time she comes home clanking with another car load. Spinifex
 Blossom allus gets these new fads fer different sorts of booze...last
 month it was butterscotch schnapps and Baileys...this month it is
 cans of Canadian Club and cola. The problem is that she never drinks
 up alla latest truckload before she changes and finds a new must have
 sort of booze.

 I woan bore you wid the other inmates, like the cats wot suffers from
 identity crises etc...

 So..there we was the other night....our mates Grand Master and Julie
 came ter visit. Grand Master and Julie, like all our mates, is the
 bestest mates yer can have and so we is very fortunate:))  Grand
 Master came over ter set up a new press fer me...he is like
 that...goes out of his way ter help others:)  Cuz they was our mates,
 we didn't have ter go into the usual explanation and excuses fer alla
 booze everywhere...however Julie brought her nevvy, James, wid her.
 James is a very cool young lad and one wot it would be hard put fer
 anyone ter not like.

 Anyhows, James walks in, looks around inna mazement and when he has
 recovered hisself and caught his breath, he sez:

 "Jeez! You gotta lot of fish tanks !!

 Damn!! I had fergort about the fish tanks!

 You knows how it is....when yer is used ter seein summat, no matter
 how weird it might be, it looks normal.

 Well..not only is the Woofden littered wid bottles and cans of booze
 everywhere and books...books in stacks everywhere...oh yeah DVDs
 too...there is the bloody fish tanks...they sort of bred like the
 bloody live bearer fish...look..heck...half the bloody fish tanks
 aren't mine..they is Miz HM's (intrepid daughter)...OK?!!

 So..I had jes caught me breath after explaining the excess booze and
 the excess books and how alla spider webs everywhere belonged ter
 Spouse's pet spiders and then I hadda explain about alla fishtanks..

 Despite all these lil hurdles, I think I had finally managed ter
 convince James that we was sort of sane...well..inna dark street we
 could pass fer sane..I think...

 He was lookin at some of the fish inna tanks atta time and he
 suddenly yells:

 "Jeez!!! Look at these snails! They is havin sex and they is really
 goin at it!"

 Blushing wid mortification (wot would his parents think iffen they
 found out their dearest son was treated ter a live sex show?) I
 dashes over wid Julie ter see....


 Bleedin Norah!! Not only was them snails havin sex ( a common
 occurrence fer gold mystery snails), they was jumpin up and down and
 rattling the bloody glass walls of the fish tank while doing
 it...like  bleedin humans in them sex movies!!

 I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT AFORE!!!

 AND WHY DO THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN WHEN YER IS TRYIN TER IMPRESS
 FOLKS AND DISPLAY YER ART OF DECORUM AND FINE LIVING ETC!!?

 Gulping down another vino ter steady me nerves I served dinner. I was
 sure that one of Woof's world famous lasagnes would blot out all
 memories of booze bottles, books, cobwebs and copulating snails. Alas
 it had to be the worst lasagne ever...how can you go wrong wid
 lasagne?

 Oh well..there was allus the dessert..Woof's world famous pavlova wid
 a genuine home baked meringue base...all I hadda do was stick the
 whipped cream orn and cut up the fruit fer the topping...

 I was happily slicing bananas and sticking em on the top when Julie
 snorts:

 "Look at the size of those banana chunks!"

 "Yeah," pipes up James, "You stuck a whole quarter of a banana on
 there!"

 "Shaddap James, or I will pulp ya!" I mutters ter him.

 "Why doan you have another glass of vino and let us cut up the
 fruit," offers Julie.

 Bloody good idea, I thot, so I happily retired wid a fresh glass of
 vino.

 And by cripes, that pavlova WAS good:)

 Things gort more normal after that and eventually we was happily
 discussing Grand Master's latest gun acquisitions...and ter justify
 all this buying we had chanted in unison...

 "You can never have too many guns!!"


 ...then the front door opened wid a loud crash and in staggered a
 ginormous carton of booze, followed by Spinifex Blossom. We all
 turned ter look at her and she said...

 "You can never have too much booze!"


 

-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie ,                         mailto:woofie at woofess.com

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/