TheBanyanTree: JENNIFER MOSS RE-DONE

[Sharon Mack]

I had a few suggestions on the story from my other workshop and I have to admit they were right on, so I have done a re-write.  Too many 'she's' as well as a few tense problems.  If you all see anything else, by all means feel free to pick away.

Here is the re-write so far:

JENNIFER MOSS


Jennifer Moss was very still.  She barely drew breath.  She knew the moment was fragile.  Slowly, ever so slowly, she bent her head to peer into the water.  She could hear the tender waves of the river lapping at the bank.  It soothed her.  Finally she could see the edge of her reflection.  It moved with the water and wouldn't be still.  It reminded her of how she felt every time she left the river's edge.  Only here could she find solace.  Only here could she find the peace that always seemed to elude her.

She wanted to tell Paul, she wanted to tell her mother, and she wanted to tell her small baby boy how much she loved them.  That she loved them more than life itself.  That she loved them more than the very breath inside her, more than her own soul.  She wished they could be with her for this one last moment*.to see the beauty, to hear the sounds.  All they would have to do is to see her face and they would know.   Here at the river she was different.  She was calm.  She was at peace.  She could think.

As she watched the water ripple below her, Jennifer remembered watching "The Hours," and thinking that Virginia Woolfe was very brave to just walk into the river.  To fill her pockets with stones so that the river would be sure to take her, to swallow her, to let her become a part of the flow.  Jennifer wanted to walk into the river, too.  She wanted her feet to muddy the reflection that wouldn't be still.  The reflection that told her how she really was; the reflection that told the truth.  The reflection that reminded her of how things really were.

By the time Jennifer came out of her reverie, the sun had moved and she was in shadow.  She could see the sun flickering on the water at the edge of the other bank as birds flew low over the river picking off the evenings array of bugs.  The spell was broken and she came back to herself with a thud.  Slowly she raised her tired body from the mossy bank and sighed, a long sorrowful sigh.  The wind picked up and the branches shook over her head.  She could hear Paul calling her.  The baby would be hungry and ready for his supper and mother would be waiting for her medication.  

As Jennifer climbed up the bank, she could see the edge of the U-Haul truck that would take her from her beloved river and in that moment knew she would never be back.  She also knew that a very large piece of her would always belong here and that she would regret the move for the rest of her life....but life had to move forward and sometimes it wasn't good to ever look back.  Slowly she climbed the last few feet.  When she reached the top of the bank Paul was waiting for her and she took his outstretched hand. It was strong and warm, and Jennifer could smell the freshness of his skin in the breeze.  He smiled at her and told her how beautiful she looked in the glow of the setting sun and he kissed her....kissed her while the baby cried for his supper and her mother looked past them from the window.