TheBanyanTree: A Good Day

[LLDeMerlè]

My father called today.  This is quite newsworthy, given the fact that the
last time he dialed this particular phone number was in May, 2002.  It was
an act of kindness, that one.  He was calling to tell me that we were
burying my grandmother, who’d died that March, and giving me details.  His
voice was soft.

This may not seem like an act of kindness to some people.  It may seem a
normal communication between family members, however, my dad lives back in
New Hampshire, I live in New York and my father is one of these people who
truly lives the “out of sight, out of mind,” philosophy.  He doesn’t mean
to, as evidenced in the shock on his face and in his voice when he sees how
much the kids have grown in the 2 1/2 years since he’s seen them.  It’s kind
of his “default” position.  He loves the kids, but since they aren’t
clamoring under his nose, they aren’t getting any of him.

This used to make me very sad, until I realized that the reason I felt this
way is that I had fabulous, hands-on grandparents in my mother’s folks,
growing up.   There was deep love and commitment there, and my mother
demonstrated the same style when my daughter was born.  The reason I felt
grief was not because of what my children were missing, in their shortage of
grandparent relationships, but in their absence, I was grieving my own.  My
kids didn’t know the difference.  Both grandmothers were gone, both
grandparents were rather detached, one lived 275 miles away and their step
grandparents exhibited difficulty in making up their minds over whether or
not these kids were worth their time.

Today’s call was gravy.  A gift.  A precious one.  Dad seemed almost
uncharacteristically cheerful, especially having just come home to NH from
the Cleveland Clinic where he’d had 3 major heart procedures.  He talked
about how well he was doing, how he was tired, what the doctor said, how
Marie, his girlfriend was caring tenderly for him, how he just wanted to
give me a ring before he walked down to get the paper.  When I told him I
loved him, he answered, “I love *you.*”

It’s a good day.