TheBanyanTree: Birds Do It

[R J Fernalld]

A note from an old hometown neighbor, Blandine:

It's just not right. In this day and age when one finally can eat in a
restaurant without inhaling nasty cigarette  smoke , this too should be
outlawed!  Such a day I  had, let me tell you!

My breakfast coffee was hot, the english muffin warm and buttered lightly,
the sun had been up a few hours already and the soft breeze through the
window was crisp with a hint of spring sunshine when it happened. I had a
mouthful of muffin nearly ready to swallow, coffee mug almost to my lips....
the bird song drifted through my window and prompted me to look out. What I
saw was so shocking I spit the remaining muffin and spilled the coffee on my
bathrobe...the resident robins were actually copulating on my windowledge!

My timely muffin spewing resulted mercifully in coitus interuptus. I looked
out and ....you're not going to believe this ....four other fornicating bird
couples were making use of my yard to propogate their immoral species.

Plunk. I sat down again after jumping up from my dinnette chair, stunned at
the bold overactive libidos of the feathered residents of the neighborhood.
As you well know, I am not a proponent of public displays of affection! Like
all truly good women I believe such things are done behind closed doors, NOT
in an orgy like fashion on my lawn!

Not a person prone to silence  I immediatly rang up the appropriate
department in my town to rectify this lewd robin behavior.

"Hello, Town Office."

"I would like to lodge a complaint."

"I need to know the nature of your complaint Ma'am so as to direct your call
to the correct department."

"I want to complain about lewd behavior, and multiple public fornications
happening repeatedly on my lawn."

"Connecting you to the police."

"Police station, Officer James, may I help you?"

I tell you Missy, the world is fast going to Hell in a handbag! The audacity
of that vulgar young man telling me that even educated fleas "do it". What
in God's name is he talking about? Educated fleas?? Has the world around me
gone insane? Must be something in the water! I just don't believe that
hippies aren't contaminating the water supply! I hung up on him and decided
it was time to take matters into my own hands.

"Audubon Society, may I help you?"

"Young man I need to speak to someone versed in the abhorent and aberrant
sexual practices of turdus migratorius, and to report such behavior in my
yard this very morning."

"Lookit, lady, I am just a volunteer, not a freakin' bird Dr Ruth. You're
barkin' up the wrong tree here."

Impudent wretch! I decided that no one was going to solve this problem and
that I, being the proper arbiter of the moral values of my own back yard,
must act alone. Like all great people of history will tell you, if one wants
a thing done, and done right, one must do it oneself.

*********

Two weeks have passed and I am happy to report that my solution to the
public copulating turdus migratorius has worked. Having no other avenue open
to me, I fashioned a sign...you know those red slash in a circle signs you
see everywhere for foreigners who rebelliously refuse to learn our language 
...and erected, um, I mean planted it in my backyard. The rendering of the
copulating red breasts, I mean to say, robins, was done rather well by my
sixteen year old nephew. I must remember to tell his mother that his new
habit of snickering and contsant use of my bathroom is troubling. He seems
to be experiencing some sort of pain while in there. Troubling.

In any case the robins no longer make use of my lovely lawn for their sexual
orgies. And although it can be argued that the idiot population of this town
hovering around my yard to see my sign may be the reason the robins no
longer come....I mean, visit here...the effect is the same and I am pleased.

Have a good day, my dear!

Mrs Lysifidus "Blandine" Physter 
 
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. 
A best friend is the one sitting beside you saying, 
'Damn that was fun.'