TheBanyanTree: Diaries, June 2003 and 2004

[Monique]

Now being blogged daily, both old and new entries, so it's your chance to
catch up on what you may have missed. http://schizodiaries.blogspot.com/


June 15, 2003 and June 19, 2004 
This from June 15, 2003:

It is so isolating, living like this. Spending so much time with someone
whose emotions shift from moment to moment, who can go from being carefree
and playful one moment to the depths of despair the next. It's incredibly
draining on me, on my psyche. I try to stay balanced, to keep my emotions
up, but constantly worrying what is going on in his head can make me feel
always on guard, always looking for that one thing that will set him off,
that will make him feel bad. It's a difficult way to live, for both of us. 

I never know what he'll be like, or how quickly he will change, or if he
will change or not change. 

And now it's June 19, 2004. I didn't have much to say that day, did I? Maybe
I had more to say but was just too tired to say it, or maybe I thought I was
done saying everything that had to be said. Maybe I was just lost. 

But how do things look now? A year later? We have made tremendous progress,
and I don't mean just his mental health. I mean mine also. For awhile there
I thought I'd lose it myself, but that was last year, and that's in the
past.

And the present? June 19, 2004? It's a good day. And he is better, and I am
not isolated in a sea of mental instability any longer. He's not completely
better of course, I don't mean he's cured, he's borderline, after all, and
has what appears to be schizophrenia though there is some question on that
from time to time. Severe anxiety and major depression too. He's unable to
work, but he's not unable to do work. He's been selling things for me on
ebay and I've been quite happy with the results so far, and in seeing how
willing he is to try things and to see what he can do. He's taken the
initiative in going to classes to learn more. He's slso going to be helping
me with some marketing for a company I'm now involved with -- a start-up
that has some great potential. I need a work change, I need to diversify,
too much of one thing is too much for me, so an opportunity has dropped into
my lap. All I had to do was ask.

Personally, I'm in a great relationship with a guy who is good for me and
loves me, we have too much fun I think, or I would, if I were inclined to
think too much fun is possible. I'm fortunate in my friends and family, new
acquaintances have been showing up and becoming a part of my landscape, and
old ones are still there, and I feel in place and content with where I'm
headed.

A year can make all the difference sometimes. Just a year . . . but it feels
like a lifetime. 


Monique