TheBanyanTree: The Schizophrenia Diaries

[my]

I had such high hopes for this year. 2004 I mean. And here it is, the 2nd
day, and I find myself . . . well . . . let's just say that so far it isn't
quite what I'd hoped. I do take comfort in the knowledge that there are 363
days left however.

Schizo Boy has been put safely to bed, in my bed since I provide care best
in my own environment. A warm bath and extra meds were prescribed by his
doctor when I called him.

Let me start at the beginning. There is always a beginning, if not an end.
This year was to begin with hope, new beginnings, a new start. (We have a
new start every year; sometimes every day, but that is not the point.)
However, the day before the new year was to begin, my car broke down. This
is not unusual for me. My last car is still hanging around, the transmission
shot, totally useless. So I bought another, almost two months ago. 

The engine is dead. Possibly the transmission too. 

Sigh.

What is one to do? The dealer does not care of course. It is my problem, not
his. I understand his point; after all, I bought it "as is," though I had
assumed that "as is" meant it would be running until it was paid for, which
would be a year. (I am often sadly mistaken in these things.) 

Schizo Boy is not taking this well. Neither am I, but that is not a primary
concern. He wants to do damage. First he wanted to kill the car dealer, who
kindly offered to give me a break on making the payments on time. He said
the car dealer deserved to die. I disagreed, and told him I would not be
averse to calling 911 and having him removed to the hospital. 

He tried to give me his car keys, said it didn't matter if he had a vehicle
or not. I refused, rather politely I thought. He did not take that well. 

I made him sit down. I have this strange power over him. I think it's the
threat of calling for enforcements that does it. I called his therapist and
asked for advice.

"He won't come to the phone, will he," the therapist asked. I looked over at
Schizo Boy, who was clenched so tightly I was afraid he was going to
explode.

"Sweetie? Do you want to talk to Dr. Geiger?" He shook his head no, as I had
expected.

Dr. Geiger suggested an extra dose of meds, a warm bath, and sleep. I asked
Schizo Boy if he was willing to do this, and his head nodded almost
imperceptibly.

"Call Dr. Williams if necessary," Dr. Geiger said, "if needs to be
hospitalized. Call me if you need to." Dr. Williams is the psychiatrist. Dr.
Geiger is very helpful, very nice. Schizo Boy reminds Dr. Geiger of himself
at times, which I believe Dr. Geiger finds troubling. All the same, he has
been much more helpful than the last therapist.

I asked Schizo Boy if he still wanted to hurt someone. He said no, but then,
with clenched teeth, said he would, however, go to the dealership and
destroy every car there. I suggested that would not be a wise course of
action. I can be annoyingly calm at times like these.

I guided Schizo Boy to the bathroom, after running a warm bath for him. I
left him there and went to his apartment to get his meds. I wasn't sure
exactly what I was needed, so I brought along the pharmacy. I returned, gave
him a tablet which should help him sleep, and asked if he was feeling
better.

He said no, he wasn't, and that every car would be destroyed. Maybe not
tonight, maybe not tomorrow night, but it would happen.

There are times during a psychotic break when the patient will utter things
that he will later have no recollection of. 

He said he would not take a nap after his bath. I told him he would. I sat
down in my living room and called his parents. No reason really, and I don't
like bothering them with this because they do worry, but there are times
when I just need to hear a rational voice, to get that support that can only
come from dealing with the rational. While talking to his mom, he came out
and sat down. She asked how he was, I asked him. I have no problem talking
about him in front of him. Nothing too serious of course. She agreed that
causing damage was not a helpful thing to do. She said to let them know if
there was anything they could do.

I wanted to suggest that buying me a vehicle might be a good start, but
decided against it. Transportation today is apparently a non-issue.

Schizo Boy had not eaten yet today, I didn't think, so after getting off the
phone I asked if he wanted anything to eat. He said no, then asked what I
had. I listed a few things, none of which were suitable. I suggested some
hot tea. Not acceptable. Hot chocolate? That was met with some approval.
While making it, I found a box of those tiny chocolate donuts that are 95%
poisonous, and asked if he would like some. He said that would be good, so I
gave him hot chocolate and tiny chocolate donuts. 

After a while he agreed that a nap might be a good idea, and wandered off to
bed. 
And now he sleeps. And I ponder my next move. Work? Search for rebuilt
engine that I cannot afford? Clients? Breakdown? I know! I'll write another
chapter! And that brings us up to the present. I've decided a breakdown will
be a waste of my time however. 

And so 2004 begins, but I still have hope for the rest of the year. That's
why they call me an optimist.



Monique Young
Young Business Solutions
(425) 772-6218
www.youngbusinesssolutions.com

"In the long run, we are all dead."  John Maynard Keynes

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination
to do so."  Douglas Adams