TheBanyanTree: Schizo Diaries, August 12, 2004

[Monique]

I tell ya, me and mothers just aren't getting along this week. The following
is a combination of what transpired yesterday and what was going on behind
the scenes. In my head. My head is a scary place.

____________________________________________________________________________

Thank you very much for contacting the Stew Young Hotline. Please hold while
our operators search for your victim . . . 

Hello, this is the Stew Young Locator Hotline . . . how may we help you find
your son today?

What's that? You're his mom? And you want to know where he is?

Ma'am? We just talked two hours ago.

Yes, I know. He's still driving to California.

Fires? No, he didn't mention any fires, but I'm sure they're okay.

No, I don't know his ETA. It's a long drive, ma'am, and I can't really say.
They left yesterday about 2 pm, stopped for the night, and are continuing on
their way today, expected to arrive in Sacramento this evening. I do believe
this is the same information we discussed earlier, and that he himself has
called you with.

No, I don't know what Governor Schwarzenegger did last week, nor do I care.

What's that? You haven't been sleeping at night? Yes, ma'am, I do believe
you've mentioned that on the previous five occasions we've talked.

No, I'm not really sure where they stopped to eat today. I didn't press for
details.

Why not? Oh, well, I was working ma'am. That's right. I'm trying to support
myself here. And sometimes I even support your son. 

What's that? How's the cleaning of his apartment going? I think it's going
all right. I have, as I said, been out working today so I couldn't stay
there all day . . . do you want to know how I'm going to pay for the work
that's being done?

No? You don't want to know? Just as well, since I have no idea how I'm going
to pay for it.

That's right, I can't get anyone to work for free except for me. But he'll
return to a place that's livable once again, since the mentally ill
sometimes have problems with maintenance. And I'm thinking that will help. 

That's right ma'am, I have my own place to look after. Like I've said before
ma'am, maintaining two households is not easy. 

Yes, I know you can't eat bread. Or cookies. No, I made cookies, but I am
not going to send you any. I'll sell you cookies though.

Yes, ma'am, you are quite witty at that. 

Charge my own mother-in-law for cookies? Ma'am, I'm an ex-daughter-in-law.
We've discussed this before ma'am. My own mother wanted me to send her
cookies and I said no. Do I look like a cookie factory? 

Yes, I'm quite sure Stew will be all right. No, ma'am, I didn't send
anything along with him for you, just him. 

Yes, I know you're looking forward to seeing him. How do I know this?
BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE! 

Oh wait. Sorry about that ma'am. Did I say that out loud? Apparently I'm
developing a form of Tourette's. 

LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ASK ABOUT ME! 

Sorry? What? Oh, was that out loud also? Like I said . . . MA'AM! I'M AN
ACTUAL PERSON HERE, NOT A MACHINE.

Yes, Stew is with Jake, they're quite all right. Jake is the most
responsible person I know. 

Of course he's blind. He's still the most responsible person I know, not
counting my boyfriend of course. I tell you ma'am, I'd trust Jake with Stew
long before I'd trust you with Stew.

What? Was that out loud too? Sorry, just slipped out. 

Yes, ma'am, I know. You miss him. You worry about him. But ma'am? May I
interject? Ma'am? No, really, sobbing isn't necessary. Ma'am? I'd like to
suggest you get yourself a life of sorts. That's right. 

What do you mean you'll talk to me tomorrow? Ma'am, you've talked to me
three times so far today. I don't talk to my own mother that often.
Sometimes, ma'am, I go entire weeks without talking to my mother.

That's right, ma'am, I'm a bad daughter. 

Yes, ma'am, Stew is just fine. If he weren't, someone would call you. No one
has called you. That means that everything is fine. 

Yes, no news is good news. That's what I'm saying. 

Yes, you go do that now. Think about what I've said and how you're going to
ensure that Stew will want to leave as soon as he shows up at your place . .
. that's right, ma'am, he's already not looking forward to finishing the
moving job and spending time with you. 

I'm sorry, did I say that out loud too?

Yes, you just want what's best for him. May I suggest you back off just a
bit? JUST BACK OFF A FREAKIN' BIT, WILL YA? Let the poor guy breathe. Let ME
breathe. 

Thank you. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Here at the Stew Young Hotline we exist only to ensure the safety of Stew. 

All the best,

Your Locator Service