TheBanyanTree: Schizo Diaries, August 10, 2004

[Monique]

It's been days since I've posted, as you no doubt have noticed. Time is
fluid around here, it ebbs and flows unpredictably. 

That, and I tend to get rather lazy now and then. Let's call it laziness and
be honest about it. 

Stew's preparing for his road trip, and he's rather nervous about it. He's
told me he won't make it, that he won't last . . . and he has been sick a
lot. Retching, mostly, nauseous a lot, headaches, and it's been hot, which
doesn't help matters in the least. I told him he'll be fine. I know he
doesn't want to let anyone down, and he worries about that. There are so
many things that can go wrong, after all, but that's the case with
everything in life. Unfortunately, that's what he sees so often. I want him
to go and have a good time. Spend time with Jake, see his parents, have fun.


The other day he said that when he gets back he'll really get to work on his
business. 

Overall, he's been holding up pretty well. Had a bad time one night last
week, disassociated, cut himself, called me late at night. We talked on the
phone and I did my best reassuring come-back-to-earth spiel, or at least
what I could at the time. It exhausted me, so I can't imagine how it
exhausted him. If it does that to me, what must it do to him? And then he
gets frustrated because he's so tired and doesn't feel like he can get
anything done. 

The next morning I was still worried about him; even though he said he was
better after we'd talked it's really hard to tell at times. I called him,
and there was no answer. Both phones. So, assuming something needed looking
into immediately, I ran (drove, actually) over there . . . only to discover
he'd been in the shower and was doing much much better. That's quite normal.
There I am, still in the trough from the night before, while he's moved on
to other, better emotions. It was such a relief that he was okay that I
didn't pummel him too badly for not letting me know sooner. Besides, he's
bigger than me, and pummeling must be performed with caution. 

Today he helps Jake and Chris pack up the U-Haul. I hope the heat isn't
unbearable for him. Other than the physical demands, it should be an okay
day. Even that is an unknown though, since he is so often physically ill
these days. Tomorrow they head off to California. And Dog can come stay with
me for the duration. I've missed Dog, as annoying as she is. 


Monique