TheBanyanTree: Questions

[Monique Young]

Why am I having so much trouble reconciling these numbers? They're just
numbers, right? Is it my lately addled state of mind? Does anyone really
know? Does it matter?

We saw Terminator 3 the other day, Stew and I. At the end I turned to him,
I'd been having a particularly bad mental health week, and he varies from
day to day and minute to minute, and I said, "Well, that was a rather
cheerful conclusion," as we watched all the bombs go off. And we laughed and
couldn't stop. Why not? The temporary insanity that has been running rampant
around here lends itself to laughter. We're lucky we have each other as
friends, that's for certain.

Today he was upset, thinking his parents wanted to cut off his allowance,
feeling guilty that he has taken so much, thinking that everyone would be
better off without him. I told him that of course it wasn't true, that we
would all be worse off, and that we will get through the financial problems,
and eventually he will not need money from them. There is no we, officially
of course, but we are still much a team. He has possibilities ahead of him
that he cannot see right now, but I can.

Later he talked to his parents on the phone, and afterwards he felt much
better. The trouble he anticipated is not there, it never is. I'm much the
same way also, so I can understand.

Recently my mind has dredged up incidents of childhood sexual and verbal
abuse, memories that I would not wish to have but have no control over. When
these memories return I am reminded of how useless I once felt, and how
helpless, and how there was no future for me. I hope to move past those,
still. I thought I had. It's an ongoing battle, isn't it? Life, I mean. It's
worth it, of course, I know that much, even in my darkest hours I rarely
lose sight of that.

I see light ahead. I don't know if my recent crash, quite severe in nature,
will continue, or happen again. I can't know right now, but I can persevere.
I can hope to be rational and hope to remain so. I can continue as if life
will turn out as it should, and perhaps that will make it so. In the
meantime, we do what we can. And we laugh as often and as much as we can to
keep the darkness at bay.

And now I return to those numbers.

Batman