TheBanyanTree: The Schizophrenia Diaries

[Monique Young]

December 11, 2003


I'm in a grumpy mood today, spinning my wheels, not getting anywhere with my
work. I chat with schizo boy online, we go over a few things that are
irrelevant, then he tells me he doesn't want to be melodramatic.

And I ask, "what's wrong?" 

"The devil is standing behind me."

"He wants me to hurt myself." Hurting himself is not uncommon, usually cuts
across his forearms and hands.

"Tell him no. How does he want you to hurt yourself?"

"Slit my throat."

"Tell him no."

"He's showing me he could do it himself with his claws....  he has
point-ends to his finger tips, and he keeps showing me that he's drawing it
across my throat."

"He's not real, he's not there, you know that right?"

But he doesn't know it. He knows it on a rational level, the level that the
rest of us operate on, the level that he is on sometimes, but right now he
isn't there, and he doesn't know that the devil is only in his mind. He
knows that he devil is there, and that the devil wants his throat slit. And
how can you fight the devil?

He decides to come over; he'll be here in a minute. And I tell him I will
keep him safe. For today, I can keep the devil from him.

Monique