TheBanyanTree: and no greater love has the world ever known. . .

[alf at io.com]

Oh gee, I sit here in my wounded space and wonder if I'll get through this
- this time. Just one more slap in the face - no, this time it's a major
beating. This time I'm bleeding from the soul. Part of me just wants to say
F*** it! I quit! But, I don't know how to do that either. Never learned the
art of quitting. Learning to let go - isn't quitting. You let go only when
you can't survive the holdin on. That ain't the same. I've always been a
hanger on. I'll hang on long after the nothin left to hang on to has faded
into itself. But, I'm not a quiter. So, I know I'll make it through this. I
know I'll survive this - too. But, I don't want too. Not right now. Right
now, I want it not to have happened. Right now, I don't want it to be the
cards God dealt me. Right now, no part of me can understand the point - of
going on.
So, I turn to my soulmate for answers - like I have for over 20 years. Of
course - I know that she's gone too. But, she did not leave me without
giving me everything I would need to get by without her. So, today I turn
to Apollo and open my Hope chest. I found this and I am reminded, with
every goodbye - you learn. All I can say is "God this time it had better a
damned good one or you and me gonna be rollin in the dirt when we come face
to face again." :)

From: stargazr at io.com
Date: Sat, 7 Jun 1997 06:42:05 -0600
To: spoon at thespoon.com
Subject: Spoon: Strong Women


I am a strong woman. Not physically strong, but emotionally strong.
Spiritually strong. It's one of the first things people notice about me.
But that strength did not come easily, I can assure you. I paid a mighty
high price for it. I continue to pay every day that I live, reclaiming it
over and over.

Am I perceived as a bitch?  I don't think so.  I could be wrong, of course.
There is at least one person out there in the world who perceives me as
Evil Incarnate, so anything is possible. But I don't believe the majority
of the people see me as such.

They do see me as a leaning post, however. Someone to come to when their
burdens are just a little too heavy. Someone who has "the answers."  And
most erroneously of all, someone who doesn't need support in return.

How do you become a strong woman?  You suffer. You suffer and you survive
it. That's a large part of what life is about. In the process, you discover
you can carry a greater load than you ever imagined.

First, you get down there and roll around in self-pity for a while. Wallow
in it real good. Get it all over you: in your hair, your mouth, your eyes,
swathed under your armpits, dripping off your torso. Get down there and
become one with your self-pity and your sorrow. And then put them behind
you. Shake 'em off. Pull yourself up, wash yourself clean, and get on with
your life. The pain will go away one day. It's up to you to keep going
through the motions of living until it does.

"Going through the motions" is the part where the suffering comes in. You
get up every morning even though you don't want to face another day and you
do it anyway. Get in the shower and let the healing warmth of the water
reaffirm you. Paint your face and curl your hair as if your heart was in
it. Stick a big smile on your face and use it on everybody you meet.
Remember, you may be a mess on the inside but your outside looks just fine.
No one will ever know your heart is breaking.

Strength comes from suffering. So when you see that strong woman, when you
run across her, know this: she endures.  Call her what you will.


youngblood

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love,
alice

	    ~*~
 	~*~alf~*~
~*~@io.com~*~

"I once tried to save a cat whom the dogs had chased up a tree.
Some of us simply prefer our own hell over someone else's good intentions.
I still have the scars to prove it."
                                                                         alice