TheBanyanTree: The ex-wife blues

[Anita Coia]

Well, my life has been eventful as usual, which is why I haven't posted for some time (relieving you from my usual outpourings of angst, lucky you!  But that period of relief is over).

I've settled into a great relationship with a very loving, stable man, and moved into his house a couple of months ago. This man divorced his wife about 6 years ago, and has a son and a step-daughter.  And, unfortunately, an ex-wife. 

He has 50% custody of his son, and sees his step-daughter only every second weekend - because her mother decided she was going to attend secondary school in Kilmore, which is virtually in country Victoria (certainly out of range of our extensive metropolitan public transport system), and probably about two hours drive from our place. 

I get along very well with the kids - which is not hard, as they are great, 9 and 15 years old, normal, functional, sociable, intelligent, entertaining.  They bicker like normal siblings, tease, one-up each other, but generally care about each other.  

However, the fact that the kids like me and talk about me at their mum's place mean she feels a bit left out, and has been hassling my partner about meeting me. "She's going to play a part in my son's life, so I think it's important that I meet her and develop a relationship with her."  Which is all very well, but not exactly fair considering she introduced a new man into my partner's son's life post-divorce without giving my partner the same opportunity to check out the interloper.  Well, my partner sort of met the new man - while he and his ex-wife were still married, and he discovered his wife was having an affair with his son's now step-father. 

This woman is pushy, manipulative, self-centred and interfering.  Which of course raises my hackles - here we are trying to establish our relationship and a new "family" relationship with the kids - and she isn't adult enough to give us space and time to do this.  (Bear in mind I've only been in his house for about 3.5 months). No, instead she has started hassling my partner about meeting me, about not feeling comfortable in his house any more (hello?  OUR house?  am I unusual in not wanting my partner's ex-wife to wander around my house as though she owns the place?).

My partner, being an intelligent, grounded man who loves his son, works very hard to handle his ex-wife so there are limited arguments over the custody arrangements.  So he has handled this very well, patiently explaining things to her as though she was a small child - which is how she is behaving. She appears to have got the message, probably temporarily. I have been thinking about calling her up for a coffee but her recent shenanigans have put me right off. 

Anyway, after a recent discussion with my partner, she sulkily agreed to stop hassling him about it, and allow any relationship between her and I to develop with time, not on her terms. 

I can't help feeling that this is a territorial issue - that's what my gut says, and my partner doesn't really understand what I mean.  It's a chick thing.  She had an affair and my partner was devastated, though more about the loss of his family structure than her. He has had a number of relationships since then, his longest being a somewhat troubled one with an alcoholic who also cheated on him. And from time to time he discussed his life with his ex-wife, over a glass of wine when she came to pick up her son.  He even told her about me when we first started dating. Being a woman, and admittedly insecure in many respects, I imagine that she felt good about herself having found a second husband that she liked better, and still having her ex-husband not in any happy relationships since theirs. 

Now he is in love, seriously enough to decide to live with me - only the second woman with whom he has decided to co-habit. I'm his confidant, lover, etc etc - liked and discussed at her place by the kids. She has a prior relationship with him, and a significant one, by being the mother of his children - I don't deny it. She has dealt regularly and intimately with him for many years, because of the children.  But she is not the primary woman in his life any more. The kids are now having an intimate, potentially long-term relationship with another woman, for the first time really since their parents were married. So she (perhaps) feels bumped out of her position. (My partner's previous 4-year relationship with the alcoholic woman didn't involve the children much - she headed for the hills during the weeks the kids were with him).

Am I just being dramatic? Because I admit I like my story! :)  It throws me into a somewhat adversarial role, which is quite entertaining. But it also forces me to stand up for myself in my new relationship, and not let myself get relegated to filling in the existing gaps.  I felt good when the ex-wife told my partner that she didn't feel comfortable coming into OUR house, because to me this means she has to re-think how she behaves. She has to change her "paradigm".  She has to be self-conscious now, and work out the new rules, taking account of a relationship that does not involve her beyond what is required for the kids.  I am very thankful to have a supportive partner who understands how I feel, would in fact feel the way I feel in the same circumstances, and takes my part with his ex.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops...could be the makings of a great soapie!

Anita